Remember....

Losing My Zoe Bear

 

 I had to say goodbye to my favourite furry friend on Saturday & it broke my heart. Zoe was a miracle kitty that I rescued from under my shed on Thanksgiving in 1999. She was hiding under there with 4 little miracle babies and was as thin as a sheet of paper, but fierce like a full grown tiger. She was a true Mama Bear protecting her wee ones and it took a very long time to get her to trust me. But after months of forced smotherins (my way of saying much love) she became one of the most amazing cats I have ever known. I wasn't much of a cat person until Zoe came into my life - changing me forever. She was amazing, so beautiful & loving - in return she got so much love from so many people. My nephews loved growing up with her and she was so patient and kind with them, never scratched or bit - no matter how much they pulled on her fur & tail. It was amazing to see her with them. Years later I had to move & unfortunately the only place I could find was one that didn't allow pets - I was heartbroken & panicking, what was I going to do with Bear? I was able to convince my friend, Arugula, to take Zoe - I promised it wouldn't be forever and I would take her back when I could. Off Zoe went to live in the big city - I bawled like a baby at the airport. Arugula was so kind to Zoe and treated her so well - it was comforting to know that I wouldn't have to worry about Zoe getting the smotherins she so deserved. She was so loved & cared for, for many years - and then Arugula got a new job & had to move... and Zoe found her way back to me. In the meantime, I had bought a house with my boyfriend & he already had 2 cats of his own - so poor Bear had a rude awakening when I got her off the plane and brought her to a house where she wouldn't be the only kitty. The 3 of them eventually adjusted & just like the strong kitty she is, she wasn't afraid to kick some ass when needed. She took care of herself & wasn't going to let any other cats bully her. It was great to have her back - no other cat cuddled like she did, so I was definitely excited to give her some of the ol' smotherins again!! Fast forward to last Friday Night - I was on the phone with Arugula when I noticed Zoe was breathing very fast with her tummy going a mile a minute, I didn't think too much of it - as sometimes when she sleeps she twitches about & I chalk it up to her dreaming. Saturday Morning when they got fed (around 3am) my boyfriend noticed she never came upstairs to eat - being the supermodel kitty she is, that wasn't always unusual for her. But then at 5am Al came to wake me up and said something was horribly wrong with Bear. I ran to the bathroom where she was laying on the floor in a puddle of her own pee & wheezing quite badly. It was horrible to see her like that & I knew something was very, very wrong - I tried to cuddle her but all she wanted to do was hide behind the toilet. We took her to the Vet as soon as we could - where he said he was going to run a bunch of tests to see what was happening. At 1:00pm we got an emergency phone call saying she wasn't doing well and we should come right away. The ride to the animal hospital was horrible and I knew I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her. I wanted this all to be some cruel dream. We pulled into the parking lot and I think I got out before the car was event completely stopped & ran in as fast as I could. The vet told us the bad news... she had kidney failure and was in a lot of pain, that she was giving up & not even trying to fight for a breath. He said the only option was to put her down - that there was nothing he could do. My heart sank. And then it all happened so fast... the next thing I knew I was signing a form giving my consent to have her euthanized. OH MY GOD! How could this be happening? One minute she was home, fine - and being her normal cuddly self - the next we were at the vet having her put down. I signed the paper and asked to see her. I never should have asked that - she looked so sick, so tired, her small, frail body hooked up to oxygen. I can't get the picture out of my head & that's not how I want to remember her. I felt nauseous. I couldn't leave fast enough. And then I had huge regrets... I wish I would have held her, said goodbye, been there when they put her down. But all I could think of was getting out of there. I couldn't believe I had just signed her life away - it was the worst feeling. And then I had to go home and call Arugula - which I dreaded. I dialed her number 3 times before I actually pressed talk. I didn't know what I was going to say. I wanted to be strong, but I knew I couldn't. When she picked up - all I could say was Sorry... I'm so sorry. We cried together & I felt so horrible that I couldn't be there with her - that I had to let her know over the phone. Zoe is the strong bond that Arugula & I shared... she was the original Zed. She will be forever missed and never, ever forgotten. 

Love you too much Bare Bear Bum xoxo

Cilantro

Happy Birthday & Jello Shooters!

February 1st marked the 42nd Birthday of the dude that I call my Lama!! (As in Rama-lama-ding-dong... I am known as Rama... not weird at all, I know). Being the loving, wonderful girlfriend that I am - I planned absolutely nothing for his big day and bought him running shoes and a few CDs.... how romantic! In fact, HE took ME to see Eric Church... even though he's not the biggest fan of Country Music. That's love, baby! Thankfully, my dude has friends that are much more thoughtful than I am - and they threw him a party on Saturday. 

I made these:

 

That's 60 plus jello shooters (not all pictured, obviously). The best tasting rainbow I've ever experienced!! The thing about jello shooters is that they taste so damn good - you don't realize you're getting shmammered until it's too late and by that point the only thing left to do is keep shooting 'em back!! Needless to say, Sunday was a complete write off!!

My boy's name is Allan and we've laughed a few times over this silly lil' youtube vid:

                                                                   

                                    

Allan! Allan! Allan! Oh, maybe that's Steve? Steve! Steve! Steve! No Wait, that is Allan! Allan! Al! Al! Allan! Hahaha! It's pointless and totally hilarious! So the reason I'm sharing this with you - is so you will understand this amazing cake:

I also said I got it for 50% off since it had the wrong name on it. Ahhh, it's the little things that amuse me the most. Everyone got a good laugh from it - but I think I enjoyed it the most!! Haha!

Happy Birthday Steve... Allan... Lama!

Love & Icing,

Cilantro xo

I'm 'write' here Cil!!!!!!

Well, it's been a while since my last post...I know, I know!! Just popped in and saw my girl Cil blogging away like a real blogger and well, 'I gotta get in there', I thought. Can't let Cil get all the sunshine in the garden, hahaha garden pun!

Anyway, it's been a rough start to the lifestyle change but after a couple weeks I think I may have gotten going. I'm focused on getting healthy once again. I feel strong, Arugula will wilt no more!! That's my battle cry. I have grand plans in my head, I only hope to follow through. It's hard when you think a certain way for so long, it is really hard to turn on dime. It almost feels like a loss especially if you are trapped, like I was, in a way of thinking, living and eating. It really is a hard journey, good thing I have Cil to keep me sane in uncertain times.

Day 16 - 186 lbs.

Lightening up from the garden,
Arg!!!

Where Words Fail, Music Speaks...

So, in my last post I mentioned how one of my favourite memories was dancing away to music with my Mom. I've always been sad that I wasn't blessed with a great set of pipes - I think I'd make a kickass rock star!! Anywho.... 

Music is a big part of my life - it has helped me through tough times & been a part of many great memories. I love all sorts of music... yes even country!! 

I do find that I'm becoming one of those people... one of those OLD people that constantly says "They sure don't make music like they used to". But, I believe it to be true. WTF happened?

Are you kidding me when you say this is music:

 

I just don't understand how we went from this:

To that!?

Perhaps I am just finally in the age group to say I just don't understand today's generation. And trust me, I never thought I would ever be old enough to say that.

I'm open minded though - there is some new music that I do enjoy... there's a lot I shake my head at. As long as there's some music in the world, I'll be happy!!

If you do one thing today - no matter what your flavour - turn on some music, crank it up & dance!! It'll fuel your soul, make you happy & create peace.... if only for 5 minutes and 28 seconds. May I suggest Cat Stevens, Jim Croce, Traffic or Janis Joplin...

Always Rockin',

Cilantro xo

 

Happy Birthday Momma!!

Happy Birthday to my Momma!! She's a pretty incredible woman - obviously takes after my Grandma!! My sisters are 5 years older than me - so growing up, I had a lot of one on one time with my Mom and have so many fond memories of Mommy & Me time. One of my favourite things & probably the reason why I love music so much to this day, was when my Mom used to crank up the stereo and we'd dance in the living room around the coffee table.

This was one of our favourite songs:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!

Love Cilantro
                 xo

Missing My Grandma

My Grandma would have turned 87 on Saturday, January 19th and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her - I wish I could have had more time with her, I feel like I still had so much to learn from her. 

My Grandma was an incredible lady & she made my world a better place. Our visits were never long enough, even if I was at her house for 2 weeks or more & our phone calls were always too short, even if we chatted for 2 hours at a time. 

It will be 2 years in March since my Grandma left us & it feels like it was only yesterday. How do you get over the loss of someone you loved so much? I dreaded that moment for years leading up to her passing. I used to think to myself - what am I going to do without her? And now - here we are... 2 years without her and it sucks more than I could have ever imagined. And don't tell me "She was 85, she lived a good life".... I don't care... she could have been 185 and I'd still miss her just as much.

I have so many amazing memories of our times together - I just wish I could be making more. She was amazing!! So many times we would laugh until we cried, oh how I miss hearing her laugh! I miss everything about her.

Anyway, I just miss her a lot these days - and wish I could pick up the phone to call her or go for a visit and hug her tight. 

A piece of me went with her the day my Grandma died.

~Cilantro xo